.... choices... commitments... thoughts... ideas... contradicting thoughts... clashing minds... grudges... hatred....
i hate being an adult... too many choices to make.. to many mistakes that can't be taken back.. which makes choices harder to make.
i hate not being heard... i hate feeling like I'm suffocating... i hate how the world lives around money... Love doesnt make the world go round.. money does .... and it sucks... its terrible... its terrible that people fight and strive and get sick to succeed... and what happens to that success when they die?? was their work appreciated? does anyone ever remember all the hard work they put in?
i wana live on a far away island... where i dont have to live by the politics that the world lives by... i want to live far away.. where i dont have to strive and struggle for money... i want to live somewhere ... where people will see me as ME... not for the clothes i wear.. or the way i style my hair... or my profession... or even the size of my waist or thighs...
i feel so suffocated... sometimes i cant breathe.. and I'm totally overwhelmed by everything around me.
can i be a kid again? can i sit and watch saturday morning cartoons? and only have to worry about getting my homework done and passing my next exam?
*sigh*
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Emotional Overdose
as of this moment i am letting you know that i am currently having a Grey's Anatomy emotional overdose... so if things are a bit too dramatic.. too emotional... too deep.. or too pink and squishy... Seriously, then stop reading and dont complain. SERIOUSLY!
at what point in our lives do we cross that line to where we suddenly start loving someone? i mean one day.. your total strangers.. and the next you cant seem to function properly without them. some people fall in love easily.. others take a while. what makes people diff? why do some ppl cross that line much easier or sooner than others?
speaking of that line... have you ever wondered about it? how messy and uncharted that line could be? how scary it is to be walking that line when you .. just like anyone else is broken and damaged at some point in their lives?
why cant we control who we fall in love with? why does it just happen?
what are the factors.. that make u love one person and not the other? even if you are more certain that a specific person is better for you than any other person but you still cant love him or her? or why do we sometimes love people and they cant seem to love us back the way we want them to? or xpress themselves the way we want them to?
yet, we still go back out there.. hurting.. trying to walk and cross that line until we find someone who will love us back.. and who is willing to help each other grow to be great human beings.
What about loving someone and you have a fear of telling them? mayb you dont know how they'll react and for the first time in your life you wont be able to stand the fact that they just may not react the way you would like them to.
i guess in the end.. a relationship... even between friends.. cant really be defined.. all relationships are different. Just like people are different. We have different backgrounds, we react differently to things and we have different outlooks to life. The secret isnt finding someone who is like you.. the secret is finding someone who is compatible to you and is willing to stick through it and work at it as much as you are. Making it work together.
( i may be wrong and in a few years or even a few months i may come back and say that i was wrong )
the only thing we can do is cherish all the friendships and love that we have... and take it one step at a time.. take each baby step together. No matter how much you think you're ready to take the next step.. you can't leave anyone behind so, we wait.. give support and be patient.
at what point in our lives do we cross that line to where we suddenly start loving someone? i mean one day.. your total strangers.. and the next you cant seem to function properly without them. some people fall in love easily.. others take a while. what makes people diff? why do some ppl cross that line much easier or sooner than others?
speaking of that line... have you ever wondered about it? how messy and uncharted that line could be? how scary it is to be walking that line when you .. just like anyone else is broken and damaged at some point in their lives?
why cant we control who we fall in love with? why does it just happen?
what are the factors.. that make u love one person and not the other? even if you are more certain that a specific person is better for you than any other person but you still cant love him or her? or why do we sometimes love people and they cant seem to love us back the way we want them to? or xpress themselves the way we want them to?
yet, we still go back out there.. hurting.. trying to walk and cross that line until we find someone who will love us back.. and who is willing to help each other grow to be great human beings.
What about loving someone and you have a fear of telling them? mayb you dont know how they'll react and for the first time in your life you wont be able to stand the fact that they just may not react the way you would like them to.
i guess in the end.. a relationship... even between friends.. cant really be defined.. all relationships are different. Just like people are different. We have different backgrounds, we react differently to things and we have different outlooks to life. The secret isnt finding someone who is like you.. the secret is finding someone who is compatible to you and is willing to stick through it and work at it as much as you are. Making it work together.
( i may be wrong and in a few years or even a few months i may come back and say that i was wrong )
the only thing we can do is cherish all the friendships and love that we have... and take it one step at a time.. take each baby step together. No matter how much you think you're ready to take the next step.. you can't leave anyone behind so, we wait.. give support and be patient.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
When did we?
when did we all grow up and become adults?? when did life become so complicated with all these shades of grey?? things were so much easier when we were young and saw things in shades of white or black.... good or bad.. sweet or sour.. salt or pepper..... yes i know I'm getting carried away but i think u got the point.
At what point in our lives did we start to see grey?? is there a certain age? an initiation? does somthin have to happen to a child before they start seeing those shades of grey and rarely see white or black?? I cant remember the last time i saw somthing as pure white or darkest black.. everything comes in many shades.. and with all these shades.. how do u weigh out situations?? how do we know whats right or wrong anymore?
Sometimes i dont enjoy being an adult... and i long for the days when all that mattered was morning cartoons, if the weather would be nice enough to play outside and if i was going to be able to run to the store to buy some of my favorite candy. We didnt care about other things.. we didnt pay attention to those small details.. and we didnt further than that same evening.
Adulthood.. it just snuck up on us... and we didnt even see it coming. Infact most adults still dont realize it.
I've been thinking about all the small things in life that make me smile and are a great deal to me... here are just a few of my faved things:
Rhythmic swaying trees...
The smell of Babies...
The cold side of the pillow when u flip it over...
A cat's purr...
Christmas lights...
Suntan oils...
Swimming pool water and chlorine...
Good music while lazing around in the sun...
The sound of a camera's shutter...
Waking up with the sun shining in your face...
A really good nights sleep...
uhm... yea i guess that was a bit more than a few... and it think i can go on with some more to add to the list.. but instead.. I'm just gona stop here... :)
p.s. was going to upload new pics for u to see.. but for some reason it wont let me upload anything.. *shrug*
At what point in our lives did we start to see grey?? is there a certain age? an initiation? does somthin have to happen to a child before they start seeing those shades of grey and rarely see white or black?? I cant remember the last time i saw somthing as pure white or darkest black.. everything comes in many shades.. and with all these shades.. how do u weigh out situations?? how do we know whats right or wrong anymore?
Sometimes i dont enjoy being an adult... and i long for the days when all that mattered was morning cartoons, if the weather would be nice enough to play outside and if i was going to be able to run to the store to buy some of my favorite candy. We didnt care about other things.. we didnt pay attention to those small details.. and we didnt further than that same evening.
Adulthood.. it just snuck up on us... and we didnt even see it coming. Infact most adults still dont realize it.
I've been thinking about all the small things in life that make me smile and are a great deal to me... here are just a few of my faved things:
Rhythmic swaying trees...
The smell of Babies...
The cold side of the pillow when u flip it over...
A cat's purr...
Christmas lights...
Suntan oils...
Swimming pool water and chlorine...
Good music while lazing around in the sun...
The sound of a camera's shutter...
Waking up with the sun shining in your face...
A really good nights sleep...
uhm... yea i guess that was a bit more than a few... and it think i can go on with some more to add to the list.. but instead.. I'm just gona stop here... :)
p.s. was going to upload new pics for u to see.. but for some reason it wont let me upload anything.. *shrug*
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Unholiday
.... i sat here for over an hour typing a long blog... and then sat here for a few minutes with my finger on the backspace button as i watched it all erase....
i only have one real thing on my mind.. "Dear god it hasn't even been a week..... "
i only have one real thing on my mind.. "Dear god it hasn't even been a week..... "
~ I Miss You - Incubus ~
To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can´t explain.
So would I be out of line if i said
I miss you.
I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow, next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days
But already I´m wasting away.
I know I´ll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
And, I miss You.
(i miss you)
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
p.s.
On a side note... I hate Grey's Anatomy.. coz it makes me think about things i shudnt... and it makes me lonely... yet i cant get myself to stop watching... i tell myself its the soundtrack and the damn cool surgeons... who am i kidding? alright.. i dont hate GA... i love it coz its brilliant... in a raw way.. meh.. mayb I've been a bit emotional lately...
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Continued Thoughts
..... yes here i am yet again... and not only have i found time to write here I've also managed to have my mind jumping from thought to thought for the past few days as fast as i can blink my eyes... kinda frustrating if i say so myself... September... wow.. we are more than half way thru 2007 already... i never xpected it to go this fast.
Ramadan is near... just around the corner peeking at us... i hope this year is a good one... i miss the old days when i was very xcited to stay up late and eat all these foods that are only made in Ramadan.. but I've found myself not craving those things anymore.. i only wish i cud have proper sleep and be able to function properly while at work.. (dear lord cud it be I'm getting old?) i miss that xcited feeling i wud get as a child... i still have that happy feeling when i smell certain foods or drinks... but that special tingle that i used to get is no longer there.. funny how we no longer want to be adults... when all we wanted to do as kids was to grow up and be an adult.
I've been quite happy the past few months.. and my biggest proof is i no longer have those dreams that disturb me... i no longer have dreams of me drowning or a huge disaster happening around me. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath or feeling that someone was there in the room. I can usually have a pretty good night of sleep.
So much has been going on in my mind that i dont know what to do.. I'm not sure anyone fully understands my worries or where my anxieties are coming from... I'm not sure if i understand them all either. Why do i feel a need to understand them? why do i need a reason for everything? why cant i just let things be? Im always feeling the urge.. no.. the need to know why things are happening and what it all means... i can understand how annoying it can be to other ppl... so I'm doing my best to cut back on my constant questioning and doing my best to be patient and just let things be.. trust me its not that easy.
I've been wondering if my wants and needs are rational... are they really important? are they things i shud speak up about or am i just being the spoilt brat that ppl claim i am?
with the help of some really good friends, I'm learning more and more about myself and trying to not be so "shrill" or loud... but in all fairness i cant help my emotions when i get xcited or upset. the shrill voice and the loudness comes naturally. so i apologize ahead of time for any breakage of ear drums or any wine glasses.
Im so tired of ppl that lack common sense.. I've been running into them often lately.. and I've lost patience with them. i often want to snap at them and throw a book and pray that some sense gets knocked into that thick skull of theirs.
I've become so tired of drama lately... I'm tired of ppl complaining and moaning and groaning that they are so unhappy and that nothing ever goes right... how selfish can they be? they arent the only ones that dont have everything go the way they want.... i mean come one... look at me!!... I'm complaining all the time.. cant they see that? shud i become more shrill and louder just to get their attention so that they realize its time to stop the whining? blekh... *snaps fingers* whatevea *flips blond hair over shoulder*
I keep telling ppl I'm tired of hiding feelings and not talking to others bluntly and flat out saying things... but everyone tells me its not right and that i cant... why cant i? wudnt it make life that much easier when ppl know how i feel and what I'm thinking? this way they dont have to wonder what is goin on in my backwards over dosed blond head of mine... then again.. mayb they dont want to really know?
why are ppl so afraid of things? why dont ppl take risks? why are ppl so paranoid ??
yes... i am that person.. i do all three of those things.... I find myself recently really afraid of certain things.. afraid to say somthing that wont be returned... afraid coz Im so unsure of things... afraid to jump out there and take that risk that i used to do so easily... why is it so hard this time? why arent i able to just close my eyes... take a leap of faith and jump? is it becoz I'm so worried that someone wont be there to catch me when i reach the bottom?
i think i'll stop talking now... I'm gona on and on about nothing really yet my mind continues to race... and I'm not sure how to word them..
Ramadan is near... just around the corner peeking at us... i hope this year is a good one... i miss the old days when i was very xcited to stay up late and eat all these foods that are only made in Ramadan.. but I've found myself not craving those things anymore.. i only wish i cud have proper sleep and be able to function properly while at work.. (dear lord cud it be I'm getting old?) i miss that xcited feeling i wud get as a child... i still have that happy feeling when i smell certain foods or drinks... but that special tingle that i used to get is no longer there.. funny how we no longer want to be adults... when all we wanted to do as kids was to grow up and be an adult.
I've been quite happy the past few months.. and my biggest proof is i no longer have those dreams that disturb me... i no longer have dreams of me drowning or a huge disaster happening around me. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath or feeling that someone was there in the room. I can usually have a pretty good night of sleep.
So much has been going on in my mind that i dont know what to do.. I'm not sure anyone fully understands my worries or where my anxieties are coming from... I'm not sure if i understand them all either. Why do i feel a need to understand them? why do i need a reason for everything? why cant i just let things be? Im always feeling the urge.. no.. the need to know why things are happening and what it all means... i can understand how annoying it can be to other ppl... so I'm doing my best to cut back on my constant questioning and doing my best to be patient and just let things be.. trust me its not that easy.
I've been wondering if my wants and needs are rational... are they really important? are they things i shud speak up about or am i just being the spoilt brat that ppl claim i am?
with the help of some really good friends, I'm learning more and more about myself and trying to not be so "shrill" or loud... but in all fairness i cant help my emotions when i get xcited or upset. the shrill voice and the loudness comes naturally. so i apologize ahead of time for any breakage of ear drums or any wine glasses.
Im so tired of ppl that lack common sense.. I've been running into them often lately.. and I've lost patience with them. i often want to snap at them and throw a book and pray that some sense gets knocked into that thick skull of theirs.
I've become so tired of drama lately... I'm tired of ppl complaining and moaning and groaning that they are so unhappy and that nothing ever goes right... how selfish can they be? they arent the only ones that dont have everything go the way they want.... i mean come one... look at me!!... I'm complaining all the time.. cant they see that? shud i become more shrill and louder just to get their attention so that they realize its time to stop the whining? blekh... *snaps fingers* whatevea *flips blond hair over shoulder*
I keep telling ppl I'm tired of hiding feelings and not talking to others bluntly and flat out saying things... but everyone tells me its not right and that i cant... why cant i? wudnt it make life that much easier when ppl know how i feel and what I'm thinking? this way they dont have to wonder what is goin on in my backwards over dosed blond head of mine... then again.. mayb they dont want to really know?
why are ppl so afraid of things? why dont ppl take risks? why are ppl so paranoid ??
yes... i am that person.. i do all three of those things.... I find myself recently really afraid of certain things.. afraid to say somthing that wont be returned... afraid coz Im so unsure of things... afraid to jump out there and take that risk that i used to do so easily... why is it so hard this time? why arent i able to just close my eyes... take a leap of faith and jump? is it becoz I'm so worried that someone wont be there to catch me when i reach the bottom?
i think i'll stop talking now... I'm gona on and on about nothing really yet my mind continues to race... and I'm not sure how to word them..
Monday, June 18, 2007
Natural High?
its friggin 3:00 am!
I've been online.. for god knows how long... I've been so caught up and distracted lately that i have not been keepin up with my blog or anything else on the net... I've neglected alot.. but mostly for lack of time.. The days have become so short lately.. there isnt enough time to do all that i want.. and yet while I'm sitting here complaining i dont have enough time.. i wonder and ask myself how the heck did i manage to survive working two very demanding jobs and maintain my sanity.
or have i lost my sanity but dont realize it yet??? mayb... but i find being insane quite nice and pretty amusing. :)
My mind is racing at a million thots per second.. so much to do.. so much i want to do... so much i shud be doing.. yet i am still here.. in my fav night shirt.. sitting in my bed.. with my laptop on my lap... and I'm currently listening to the non stop beat of ac/dc remix.. *sigh* why do i play music non stop till i get sick of it??
I think its becoz it drives me crazy that i cant get enough of something.. so i over do it... so i dont want it anymore... o_O
hmmm... that sounds very unhealthy... sounds pretty crazy too... but i guess thats ok since we've already established that i am infact insane.. and i dont mind either.
*clicks on the play count tab in iTunes and starts listening to the songs that were heard the least number of times since I've restored my hard drive*
hmm.. lool.. cute.. (dancing in the moonlight - van morrison) *sighs happily* this makes me think of someone... :) I wonder what he's dreaming at this moment... and if he realizes i miss him or not..
I've been passionately in love with my new Canon 400D.. i feel so overwhelmed with the urge to take pics of everything that i dont know what to do.. i often hold it back becoz i know I will drive others totally MAD with the cam everywhere... if they only knew how much the sound of the shutter closing.. making that "click" sound... gives me such a rush. I never knew i wud love such a sound. Everything looks so much better thru the viewfinder.. why do i feel the need to capture everything thru that viewfinder?? to see it always the way i saw it thru that lens??
aah... lenses... I still only have my stock lens.. ( which in a way i think is a good thing ) i read in a magazine the other day something that started like this...
"if you are afflicted with lens-buying addiction (LBA)......... " i cudnt help but laugh out loud and instantly think... and acknowledge that i am almost SURE that i will have that one day.. i mean.. how cud u go wrong with having many lenses??? ( yes i know I'm making up xcuses to justify my want to buy lenses )
anywho... i happened to mention that advertisement to the girls one night as we sat in the living room chatting, snacking and watching MTV... the makeup addicts cudnt help but laugh and call me a nerd... and said they cud easily relate to such a "buying" addiction...
ha! me.. a nerd... i never thot of myslf that way... hmm.. i wonder how many ppl think that way of me? lol.. i dont care really.. it wud just be interesting to find out.
I know I'm a tad bit "diff" and i like it that way...
one thing that has bothered me tho.... someone said I'm like a baby... that I'm utterly and irreversibly innocent... and that i am not really a 26 yr old.. that in fact I'm a 15 or 16 yr old..
i dont think of myself as innocent.. i realize all that goes on in this world.. i just choose not to dwell over the less pleasant things... just becoz i openly xpress how i dont understand how and why ppl do certain things makes me innocent minded?? i dont think so..
mayb being innocent isnt so bad...
ah... i wana paint.. i want to go and get my camera and take pics of something... but what? i feel a surge of inspiration building up in me.. and i duno if its my lack of sleep tonight.. that mayb i am becoming very tired... or is it becoz I'v been quite happy the past few weeks.. and it just seems to be getting better.. despite the few obstacles i may run into.. and the few long routes i need to take...
god i think i can jump from one topic to another for quite a long time... and i honestly dont know how to word my thoughts properly... infact I'm not even sure that anything that i have just spent typing made any sense at all... but i guess it doesnt really matter now does it?
for now.. i'll share just a few small snaps that i have taken with my cam.. thru out my days in the past few weeks of my life.. they each mean somthing to me.. even if they same quite bland and ordinary to u.
anyhow.. enjoy!
Souma's bday at caspers...
work work work...
yummy waffles during an early breakfast..
lighting at senses..
someones new addiction...
yet another addiction.. 2nd cup
the view from work...
a party at fun time pizza
I've been online.. for god knows how long... I've been so caught up and distracted lately that i have not been keepin up with my blog or anything else on the net... I've neglected alot.. but mostly for lack of time.. The days have become so short lately.. there isnt enough time to do all that i want.. and yet while I'm sitting here complaining i dont have enough time.. i wonder and ask myself how the heck did i manage to survive working two very demanding jobs and maintain my sanity.
or have i lost my sanity but dont realize it yet??? mayb... but i find being insane quite nice and pretty amusing. :)
My mind is racing at a million thots per second.. so much to do.. so much i want to do... so much i shud be doing.. yet i am still here.. in my fav night shirt.. sitting in my bed.. with my laptop on my lap... and I'm currently listening to the non stop beat of ac/dc remix.. *sigh* why do i play music non stop till i get sick of it??
I think its becoz it drives me crazy that i cant get enough of something.. so i over do it... so i dont want it anymore... o_O
hmmm... that sounds very unhealthy... sounds pretty crazy too... but i guess thats ok since we've already established that i am infact insane.. and i dont mind either.
*clicks on the play count tab in iTunes and starts listening to the songs that were heard the least number of times since I've restored my hard drive*
hmm.. lool.. cute.. (dancing in the moonlight - van morrison) *sighs happily* this makes me think of someone... :) I wonder what he's dreaming at this moment... and if he realizes i miss him or not..
I've been passionately in love with my new Canon 400D.. i feel so overwhelmed with the urge to take pics of everything that i dont know what to do.. i often hold it back becoz i know I will drive others totally MAD with the cam everywhere... if they only knew how much the sound of the shutter closing.. making that "click" sound... gives me such a rush. I never knew i wud love such a sound. Everything looks so much better thru the viewfinder.. why do i feel the need to capture everything thru that viewfinder?? to see it always the way i saw it thru that lens??
aah... lenses... I still only have my stock lens.. ( which in a way i think is a good thing ) i read in a magazine the other day something that started like this...
"if you are afflicted with lens-buying addiction (LBA)......... " i cudnt help but laugh out loud and instantly think... and acknowledge that i am almost SURE that i will have that one day.. i mean.. how cud u go wrong with having many lenses??? ( yes i know I'm making up xcuses to justify my want to buy lenses )
anywho... i happened to mention that advertisement to the girls one night as we sat in the living room chatting, snacking and watching MTV... the makeup addicts cudnt help but laugh and call me a nerd... and said they cud easily relate to such a "buying" addiction...
ha! me.. a nerd... i never thot of myslf that way... hmm.. i wonder how many ppl think that way of me? lol.. i dont care really.. it wud just be interesting to find out.
I know I'm a tad bit "diff" and i like it that way...
one thing that has bothered me tho.... someone said I'm like a baby... that I'm utterly and irreversibly innocent... and that i am not really a 26 yr old.. that in fact I'm a 15 or 16 yr old..
i dont think of myself as innocent.. i realize all that goes on in this world.. i just choose not to dwell over the less pleasant things... just becoz i openly xpress how i dont understand how and why ppl do certain things makes me innocent minded?? i dont think so..
mayb being innocent isnt so bad...
ah... i wana paint.. i want to go and get my camera and take pics of something... but what? i feel a surge of inspiration building up in me.. and i duno if its my lack of sleep tonight.. that mayb i am becoming very tired... or is it becoz I'v been quite happy the past few weeks.. and it just seems to be getting better.. despite the few obstacles i may run into.. and the few long routes i need to take...
god i think i can jump from one topic to another for quite a long time... and i honestly dont know how to word my thoughts properly... infact I'm not even sure that anything that i have just spent typing made any sense at all... but i guess it doesnt really matter now does it?
for now.. i'll share just a few small snaps that i have taken with my cam.. thru out my days in the past few weeks of my life.. they each mean somthing to me.. even if they same quite bland and ordinary to u.
anyhow.. enjoy!
Souma's bday at caspers...
work work work...
yummy waffles during an early breakfast..
lighting at senses..
someones new addiction...
yet another addiction.. 2nd cup
the view from work...
a party at fun time pizza
Friday, April 27, 2007
Our first Xhibit
here they are... some pics of that night... AND a scan of the two pages that were featured in DAZZLE MAGAZINE!! pages 12 and 13!! whoooo hooo!! lol
i had alot more pics than these... but my hard drive crashed and died.. :( sniff sniff... and i lost everything almost...
but we shall be featured in Layalina Magazine.. and when it comes out in May.. i will post it here too!! *mhahahha* XD
the place had two rooms.. but i only have pics of one of the rooms :(
Page number 12.. the group pic.. this was taken the day after the event... we were interviewd... u cant see it here.. but my name is there :D
( i am the girl on the left.. in the back.. sitting on the sofa ) :D
Page 13... the one with the guitar and clarinet.. is MINE :D
The first room.. as u come up the stairs.. ( or what we called the orange room )
and the other room.. ( the green room ) that pic with the hermit crab is another one of my photos :D
i had alot more pics than these... but my hard drive crashed and died.. :( sniff sniff... and i lost everything almost...
but we shall be featured in Layalina Magazine.. and when it comes out in May.. i will post it here too!! *mhahahha* XD
the place had two rooms.. but i only have pics of one of the rooms :(
Page number 12.. the group pic.. this was taken the day after the event... we were interviewd... u cant see it here.. but my name is there :D
( i am the girl on the left.. in the back.. sitting on the sofa ) :D
Page 13... the one with the guitar and clarinet.. is MINE :D
The first room.. as u come up the stairs.. ( or what we called the orange room )
and the other room.. ( the green room ) that pic with the hermit crab is another one of my photos :D
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Euphoric Tingles
Íts been a whole month... planning.. working.. running around all over the place.. facing one problem after another..
Trying to make a difference.. planning our DevMeet.. it hasnt been a piece of cake.. none of us wud dare to say such a thing, but we continued to push ourselves for that special night.. working for a better cause... The last few days becoming somewhat of a blur combined with lack of sleep, lack of food and lack of free time.. everything is on auto pilot now.. living off tea and coffee for nearly a week ( never knew it were possible ) making sure each detail is ready.. making sure all paintings are here and set.. and then finally its here.. THE BIG NIGHT... Going to Chai & Ba early in the day to help set things up.. then running to work b4 the night... i went to work in a daze.. thinking of whats to come and if it will be great.. hoping and praying it all goes well and we atleast survive...
7:15... class is over.. time to fix my make up and run down to the car... lots of hugs of support from friends before i leave and then I'm off..
Here we are.. squeek and I.. driving down the road to our destination, we have some quick nervous small talk, some words of encouragement to each other... i keep telling myself.. (out loud) BREATHE.. JUST BREATHE!! some more words of encouragement.. and a high five coz we made it this far. We pull up to the place for a split second my heart stops and i hold my breathe before getting out of the car...
and the night begins....
for the next four hours.. we mingled with artists, shared our photos or paintings and talked about what ever came to mind.. crowds everywhere.. ppl coming and going.. squeezing through one crowd after another trying to get from here to there.. smiling at everyone and passing on hopes that theyre enjoying their time... occasionally running into my partners in crime.. and we pass each other a smile, a pat on the back or a tight squeeze of the shoulder.. saying to ourselves.. we did it :)
as the night goes by.. I feel myself and see the rest of the team slowly burning out.. i can see we are all physically and mentally xhausted... yet still enjoying and mingling with ppl. i think to myself ( we're almost there guys.. almost.. hold on a bit longer.. )
12:00 am closing time... one last picture to be taken for the magazine of us.. the founders with Ziad our angel of a sponsor :)
we are all happy.. We give each other warm hugs at the door and bid farewell..
Coming home last night in the car feeling so hyped at the xcitement of Jeddah Urban Artists first Meet... and the whole success of it.. for a bit i thought i cudnt sleep for a lifetime even if i tried...
talking the whole way home.. feeling great..
I get home.. change.. and lay in bed... telling myself i MUST atleast TRY to sleep..
2 mins later... I'm out cold.
I wake up with a smile on my face.. thinking.. We did it! we were a success!
the WHOLE night was about ART ART and MORE ART!! amazing pics and amazing ppl. the conversations and comments from one person to another was about art... sharing ideas, thoughts and technique. ppl laughed.. ppl smoked.. the music played and everyone was smiling :D yay!
it was ALL worth the trouble... but the trip there was as rough as it cud come..
yes.. the event was a success.. the night went xtremely well considering we arent even event organizers.. lol..
what makes it the best?? that we did it together..
~Squeeko (abdullah) for your ideas, your silly jokes and sense of humor, ur full support, ur ways with words to get me to say yes after being upset over somthin that happend AND ur cute squeekiness.
=Sonic-BooM (fayiz) you've been an angel all the way too.. all the printing, designs, the running around every where and especially for putting up with my mood swings and yet still amazingly continue being the pleasant person that you are!
~lil-souma (asmaa) for being the glue to hold us all together.. the president of the group.. and for pushing it all to be the event it was.. I know it has been very hard on you.. thank u for being the sweetheart that u are.
you guys are angels..
Our Sponsor... Ziad.. who has done NOTHING but try to help make things as easy as possible and make it all go smoothly.. giving his support and trust..
I love you guys.. and it wudnt have been worth it if it werent for you to help me through!
thanks to everyone who gave us the time to attend our event.. :)
Trying to make a difference.. planning our DevMeet.. it hasnt been a piece of cake.. none of us wud dare to say such a thing, but we continued to push ourselves for that special night.. working for a better cause... The last few days becoming somewhat of a blur combined with lack of sleep, lack of food and lack of free time.. everything is on auto pilot now.. living off tea and coffee for nearly a week ( never knew it were possible ) making sure each detail is ready.. making sure all paintings are here and set.. and then finally its here.. THE BIG NIGHT... Going to Chai & Ba early in the day to help set things up.. then running to work b4 the night... i went to work in a daze.. thinking of whats to come and if it will be great.. hoping and praying it all goes well and we atleast survive...
7:15... class is over.. time to fix my make up and run down to the car... lots of hugs of support from friends before i leave and then I'm off..
Here we are.. squeek and I.. driving down the road to our destination, we have some quick nervous small talk, some words of encouragement to each other... i keep telling myself.. (out loud) BREATHE.. JUST BREATHE!! some more words of encouragement.. and a high five coz we made it this far. We pull up to the place for a split second my heart stops and i hold my breathe before getting out of the car...
and the night begins....
for the next four hours.. we mingled with artists, shared our photos or paintings and talked about what ever came to mind.. crowds everywhere.. ppl coming and going.. squeezing through one crowd after another trying to get from here to there.. smiling at everyone and passing on hopes that theyre enjoying their time... occasionally running into my partners in crime.. and we pass each other a smile, a pat on the back or a tight squeeze of the shoulder.. saying to ourselves.. we did it :)
as the night goes by.. I feel myself and see the rest of the team slowly burning out.. i can see we are all physically and mentally xhausted... yet still enjoying and mingling with ppl. i think to myself ( we're almost there guys.. almost.. hold on a bit longer.. )
12:00 am closing time... one last picture to be taken for the magazine of us.. the founders with Ziad our angel of a sponsor :)
we are all happy.. We give each other warm hugs at the door and bid farewell..
Coming home last night in the car feeling so hyped at the xcitement of Jeddah Urban Artists first Meet... and the whole success of it.. for a bit i thought i cudnt sleep for a lifetime even if i tried...
talking the whole way home.. feeling great..
I get home.. change.. and lay in bed... telling myself i MUST atleast TRY to sleep..
2 mins later... I'm out cold.
I wake up with a smile on my face.. thinking.. We did it! we were a success!
the WHOLE night was about ART ART and MORE ART!! amazing pics and amazing ppl. the conversations and comments from one person to another was about art... sharing ideas, thoughts and technique. ppl laughed.. ppl smoked.. the music played and everyone was smiling :D yay!
it was ALL worth the trouble... but the trip there was as rough as it cud come..
yes.. the event was a success.. the night went xtremely well considering we arent even event organizers.. lol..
what makes it the best?? that we did it together..
~Squeeko (abdullah) for your ideas, your silly jokes and sense of humor, ur full support, ur ways with words to get me to say yes after being upset over somthin that happend AND ur cute squeekiness.
=Sonic-BooM (fayiz) you've been an angel all the way too.. all the printing, designs, the running around every where and especially for putting up with my mood swings and yet still amazingly continue being the pleasant person that you are!
~lil-souma (asmaa) for being the glue to hold us all together.. the president of the group.. and for pushing it all to be the event it was.. I know it has been very hard on you.. thank u for being the sweetheart that u are.
you guys are angels..
Our Sponsor... Ziad.. who has done NOTHING but try to help make things as easy as possible and make it all go smoothly.. giving his support and trust..
I love you guys.. and it wudnt have been worth it if it werent for you to help me through!
thanks to everyone who gave us the time to attend our event.. :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
SPONSOR!
SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!! *jumps up and down all excited*
Breathe breathe breathe... *feeling light headed* oh god i think I'm hyperventilating!!
OK... so a few friends and i have been trying to organize a "devmeet" where artists/ deviants from deviantart in Jeddah all get together and support each others art, get connected and try to make a difference.. we've been at this for a few weeks now tryin to think of ideas and such... we werent doin bad but we werent doin great either.
anywho.. so I'm at work yesterday and get a call from on of the guys telling me that they have found a SPONSOR for the event.. and that we are all goin to meet up at "second cup" at coral mall and meet the sponsors.. EEEEK... talk about a blood rush.. i quickly agreed and asked to be picked up from work.
We get there and we wait impatiently.. ( we are originally two guys and two girls but poor souma cudnt make it *hugs souma* so i was stuck with the boys)
they two guys ( YOUNG GUYS ) working for a fairly new advertising co here in Jeddah but well known internationally TBWA... they are looking for new and talented artists.. ppl with potential.. ppl who think outside of the conventional box.. god i know so many ppl who wud be so awesome.. and they ( the sponsors ) wud totally love. *crosses fingers for them*
there is soooo much that needs to be done.. i have so much work to do...
i stayed up all night.. thinking of ideas... brainstorming.. i was totally xhausted but cudnt sleep...
i wanted to wake up today and get busy with things.. but i duno.. I'm feeling a bit under my standards today.. i think I'm comin down with the flu! *gasp* i hope not.. i dont have time to get sick.. not now..
hmmm.... I'm afraid the perfectionist in me will fight its way thru and I'm gona become over stressed with this whole xhibition..
i need to design a t-shirt... or come up with a better souvenir to give to our guests.. somthing unconventional.. somthin diff.. somthin that ppl will say wow.. thats such a cool idea.
I MUST come up with a cool slogan.. a cool line that represents who we are and what we do...
* jeddah deviants... setting new boundaries
* jeddah deviants... have no limits
* jeddah deviants... resisting conventionality :S lol
* jeddah deviants... give a new meaning to being devious.
* jeddah deviants... ........ ......
i need to design a banner for the xhibit..
i need to come up with things for the new site ( account on DA ) that fifi launched last night..
god.. there is too much thinking being done.. I'm gona have a meltdown XD
I'm feeling very xcited and getting sick at the same time... lol..i never knew it were possible.
i'll keep updates on whats goin on.
i gotta get somthin to eat.. I'm startin to feel dizzy and i havent eaten since yesterday lunch!! and its almost lunch time again! *gasps and faints*
hehe :D
Breathe breathe breathe... *feeling light headed* oh god i think I'm hyperventilating!!
OK... so a few friends and i have been trying to organize a "devmeet" where artists/ deviants from deviantart in Jeddah all get together and support each others art, get connected and try to make a difference.. we've been at this for a few weeks now tryin to think of ideas and such... we werent doin bad but we werent doin great either.
anywho.. so I'm at work yesterday and get a call from on of the guys telling me that they have found a SPONSOR for the event.. and that we are all goin to meet up at "second cup" at coral mall and meet the sponsors.. EEEEK... talk about a blood rush.. i quickly agreed and asked to be picked up from work.
We get there and we wait impatiently.. ( we are originally two guys and two girls but poor souma cudnt make it *hugs souma* so i was stuck with the boys)
they two guys ( YOUNG GUYS ) working for a fairly new advertising co here in Jeddah but well known internationally TBWA... they are looking for new and talented artists.. ppl with potential.. ppl who think outside of the conventional box.. god i know so many ppl who wud be so awesome.. and they ( the sponsors ) wud totally love. *crosses fingers for them*
there is soooo much that needs to be done.. i have so much work to do...
i stayed up all night.. thinking of ideas... brainstorming.. i was totally xhausted but cudnt sleep...
i wanted to wake up today and get busy with things.. but i duno.. I'm feeling a bit under my standards today.. i think I'm comin down with the flu! *gasp* i hope not.. i dont have time to get sick.. not now..
hmmm.... I'm afraid the perfectionist in me will fight its way thru and I'm gona become over stressed with this whole xhibition..
i need to design a t-shirt... or come up with a better souvenir to give to our guests.. somthing unconventional.. somthin diff.. somthin that ppl will say wow.. thats such a cool idea.
I MUST come up with a cool slogan.. a cool line that represents who we are and what we do...
* jeddah deviants... setting new boundaries
* jeddah deviants... have no limits
* jeddah deviants... resisting conventionality :S lol
* jeddah deviants... give a new meaning to being devious.
* jeddah deviants... ........ ......
i need to design a banner for the xhibit..
i need to come up with things for the new site ( account on DA ) that fifi launched last night..
god.. there is too much thinking being done.. I'm gona have a meltdown XD
I'm feeling very xcited and getting sick at the same time... lol..i never knew it were possible.
i'll keep updates on whats goin on.
i gotta get somthin to eat.. I'm startin to feel dizzy and i havent eaten since yesterday lunch!! and its almost lunch time again! *gasps and faints*
hehe :D
Monday, February 26, 2007
Is it really me?
my celebrity look-alikes..
lol...
Angelina Jolie 96 % ( WOW )
Ali Landry 80%
Sandra Bullock 78%
Kaley Cuoco 78%
Claire Danes 78%
Alessandra Ambrosio 76%
Natalie Imbruglia 75%
Jessica Simpson 74%
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Claire Danes 90%
Adriana Karembeu 90%
Katie Holmes 83%
Annie Lennox 83%
Katherine Heigl 83%
Kim Smith 83%
Penelope Cruz 80%
Uma Thurman 80%
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Uma Thurman 83%
Katie Holmes 83%
Kimberly Williams 83%
Kristin Kruek 78%
Aishwariya Rai 76%
Alyson Hannigan 76%
Kaley Cuoco 76%
Rachael Leigh Cook
SURPRISE SURPRISE>>>> Wynona was NEVER mentioned :P
Saturday, February 17, 2007
~Lost In Darkness~
this is somthing i wrote a long time ago.. and had it posted on a site with poetry and such.. but since i left the site and will no longer go back.. i thought i wud post it here.. instead of putting a link...
anyhow... here it is..
~Lost In Darkness~
I wake in the morning from another sleepless night...
I go on with my meaningless routine without a single fight...
Feeling dirt and grime soaked into my skin...
Feeling so dirty and cheap...
My life has taken such a dramatic spin...
How much longer of my sanity can i keep..
Is that a reflection in the window??
Who is that looking back at me??
I dont recognise her... I no longer know...
Why can't i stop these tears i cry??
These tears that constantly fall...
Fall from the inside and out...
How am i crying>> How is it possible??
I feel so numb inside.. so hollow and empty..
A cold and empty void inside my soul..
A hole all the way through to my heart..
Puncturing both my lungs,
making it that much harder for me to breathe..
Drowning in this poison oxygen all around...
Hurting so much...
In a crippling pain that shoots right into my chest..
People everywhere looking straight at me..
Talking to me always...
Not seeing the pain I'm in..
Not seeing the acid tears that fall,
burning my eyes and cheeks..
They know nothing...
Just the smile on my face..
and the laughter that they hear...
Oblivious to my wishes of death..
My hunger to just no longer be..
Or are they so ignorant??
Why dont i reach for help?
I once thought it the right thing to do..
But why save something so lost and gone?
Why use that effort on a lost cause??
Why try and cure a person on her death bed,
when you can cure one who still has hope??
Thats why they ignore.. Its what they see..
Hopeless.... too lost...
Yes, My death bed..
I'm falling hard and fast...
Deep down in the darkness where nobody survives..
Digging my nails into the walls..
Gasping for fresh air for my contaminated lungs..
Attempting to climb but still i fall..
Sliding more and more each second..
Being swallowed by the bitter coldness down below..
A piercing silence through the air thats so deffaning.
Falling... Falling...
I cut my wrists and watch the liquid flow..
Red and warm... so inviting...
Feeling better as each drop falls..
Darkness doesnt scare me anymore..
I'm giving in..
I'm giving up..
I've found my cure..
I've found my safe spot..
I'm ready to go..
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
anyhow... here it is..
~Lost In Darkness~
I wake in the morning from another sleepless night...
I go on with my meaningless routine without a single fight...
Feeling dirt and grime soaked into my skin...
Feeling so dirty and cheap...
My life has taken such a dramatic spin...
How much longer of my sanity can i keep..
Is that a reflection in the window??
Who is that looking back at me??
I dont recognise her... I no longer know...
Why can't i stop these tears i cry??
These tears that constantly fall...
Fall from the inside and out...
How am i crying>> How is it possible??
I feel so numb inside.. so hollow and empty..
A cold and empty void inside my soul..
A hole all the way through to my heart..
Puncturing both my lungs,
making it that much harder for me to breathe..
Drowning in this poison oxygen all around...
Hurting so much...
In a crippling pain that shoots right into my chest..
People everywhere looking straight at me..
Talking to me always...
Not seeing the pain I'm in..
Not seeing the acid tears that fall,
burning my eyes and cheeks..
They know nothing...
Just the smile on my face..
and the laughter that they hear...
Oblivious to my wishes of death..
My hunger to just no longer be..
Or are they so ignorant??
Why dont i reach for help?
I once thought it the right thing to do..
But why save something so lost and gone?
Why use that effort on a lost cause??
Why try and cure a person on her death bed,
when you can cure one who still has hope??
Thats why they ignore.. Its what they see..
Hopeless.... too lost...
Yes, My death bed..
I'm falling hard and fast...
Deep down in the darkness where nobody survives..
Digging my nails into the walls..
Gasping for fresh air for my contaminated lungs..
Attempting to climb but still i fall..
Sliding more and more each second..
Being swallowed by the bitter coldness down below..
A piercing silence through the air thats so deffaning.
Falling... Falling...
I cut my wrists and watch the liquid flow..
Red and warm... so inviting...
Feeling better as each drop falls..
Darkness doesnt scare me anymore..
I'm giving in..
I'm giving up..
I've found my cure..
I've found my safe spot..
I'm ready to go..
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Tuesdays With Morrie
alrighty.. Its 3:40 am.. I'm about to just say whatever blahs that are on my mind.. and i warn u.. it isnt goin to be quite sweet or whatever its supposed to be...
my latest book i read... (Tuesdays with Morrie) by Mitch Albom..
yet another great book.. that i finished within a few hrs of the night.. that left me crying and contemplating about my life, how i live it and the people that i know.
its utterly amazing how just words on paper can move a persons soul so much.. move ur inner thoughts and feelings..
an old man, a young man and life's greatest lesson...
* accept what you are able to do & what you are not able to do...
* Accept the past as PAST , without denying it or discarding it.
We all hate becoming something we dont want to be.. routine, losing track of frienships as the years go by, giving up on dreams we held dearly... and then we sit back and think.. how did this happen?? When did it happen..
( i had become too wrapped up in the siren song of my own life )...
funerals... a time where ppl get together.. and say great things about a person who is no longer there... is it fair that the deceased cant hear such great words? is it right for the person who is dead to not know how much he is loved and hear those words of love and affection? To hear those words that ppl long to say when they think its too late..
ironic... a person leaves the world. feeling unloved.. only to have a mass crowd at his funeral..
i wonder who will be at mine? what will they say about me when I'm gone... a part of me is so eager to know and find out...
the way I'm feeling right now.. i doubt the grasshoppers will even be there..
yes.. PMS.. is a bitch... bite me.
Everyone knows they are going to die...but nobody believes it.. if we did.. we would do things differently.. ( the book is amazing i tell u )
.... hmm.. it goes on to tell u... that these questions.. u shud ask urself.. everyday...
IS today the day?
Am I ready?
Am i doing all i need to do?
Am i being the person i want to be?
Is today the day i die?
why dont we have ( living funerals) ? a party where ppl say what they feel... as in.. a funeral...
but.. the person who is dead.. isnt really dead?
have u ever wondered why ppl get uncomfortable in a quiet room? why do we humans become embarrassed by silence?? ppl start to shift their weight and look around the room to keep themself occuppied.. why cant we have a bunch of ppl in a room.. not talking and feel comfortable with just sittin there... breathing in.. and out.. lookin at each other?? why do we feel xposed during times like that? like our inner most thoughts and secrets are being revealed..?
a very short story was told in the book.. that caught the very strings of my heart... In this mental institution... a woman wud be found laying face down on the floor of the hallway to her room EVERY morning and wud stay there till the evening.. not moving at all.. doctors and nurses stepping around her.. seeing that she isnt doin anyone any harm... the man in the book sat and watched her for days and then gradually went and laid next to her.. keeping her company till she warmed up to him.. and eventually he was able to get her up and back into her room...
What was it that she wanted the most? why did she do that EVERY SINGLE DAY??
The same thing that MANY ppl want...
Someone to notice she was there...
.....dum di dum dum dum... ( dont ask )
I'm in the mood to listen to Black Orchid - Blue October.... god.. can u hear it in his voice? i wana sing like that.. i want to pass emotion to ppl.. let them feel things.
ever feel that just everyone is avoiding u? ever feel that just mayb.. nobody can stand u? or.. i duno.. why dont ppl feel satisified from a relationship? is there somthing wrong with me or is it all human kind?
I'm feeling very rebelious at the moment.. and very self destructive mode as well..... but what am i gona do? I'm stuck at home.. and cant do a thing... whooooopeeee. I'm gona get some chocolate... and some ice-cream.. i hope there is some cake too.. yes.. thats what i will do.. the first steps to my self destruction!! *muahahahaa* (evil-laugh for those of u who didnt get that)
If you were reincarnated... what would you want to come back as?
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Our Heaven
12:25 am..... january 11th.. 2007... its now officially thursday... I've got so many thoughts flying in my head how is a person to know where to start? what shud be my first words that i type here?
yes.. i know i typed the time.. and that the blog keeps record of the time and date as well.. i dont care really.. there's a point i wrote the time and date... it has been nearly 32 hrs.. non stop with no sleep... xcept for the 20 mins or so i lay tryin to get a cat nap.. in the car.. on my bed... and on the couch.. am i so tired ? have i gone beyond that point? where i just cant sleep anymore??
or has somthin happend to keep me goin?? we are in 2007.. nothing really swell is goin on.. nothing that i can put my finger on to credit for this incredible feeling that i have about 2007.. is it the number SEVEN?? is it just coincidence that the few times i took those silly quizzes in the past.. my lucky number turned out to be 7? is there a reason that i have always had a warm spot for the number seven?? there are so many sevens in this world... will this be a good year for me? shall it be just the tinies bit happier and less painfull as the last one?? i highly doubt it.. for i see alot of pain just waiting for me.. right down the pathway... its inevitable.. a person cant escape any pain that they feel in life... so then why do i feel so good about this year?
I'm still clueless..... and still pondering over it.
i stayed up all night...tuesday till wednesday morning... reading... yes.. such a horrid thing to do u may say.. to stay up and become sleep deprived over a book... but i think this book has been quite an eye opener for me... i realize it isnt a new book... i realize that A LOT of ppl have read it before.. and will mor than likely have their own comments about it... but i really dont care what they have to say... i was meant to read this book... NOW.. i was supposed to read it at this time in my life.. i may not understand it.. i may question it all the time... but i am sure.. that nothing happens without a reason...
everything is connected... that small invisible web... that we are all stuck in...and makes us all connected... each one of us tryin to make a life of their own... doing things independently.. living "our life" but each time i shake my little wings and try to make a move.. those very movements i make.... vibrate and resonate all thru those webs.. and ultimatly affect everyone on that little web.. its Odd how we are all connected.. its odd how the smallest things.. of ppl in ur present life.. cause some kind of percussion... the music of life... everything happens for a reason.. ppl in the past.. influence our life now.. our life now.. will influence ppl in the future... we may feel small and insignicant... we may think that our lives are meaningless... but we are all here for a reason.... a purpose.. most of us will never realize that purpose.. most of us may even die.. asking those very questions.. why am i nothing? can i go back and try harder? can i go back and change somthing? i'll try more... please... let me try? i promise i'll do better!? i dont want to die yet...................
who are we to say that we havent lived our lives the xact way we were supposed to live it? who are we to say that we didnt do what we were truly meant to do .... ??
there are no coincidences... everything happens for a reason... everything on this earth has a reason.. has a purpose... everyone helps in some way or another no matter how insignificant our actions and thoughts may be... it has helped MOLD a certain someone out there.. to be who they are... to be able to fulfill their purpose... to also inturn be able to influence others... and help them achieve their destiny...
destiny.... what a powerful word... and this is just barely the surface... just a tiny scratch.... not even close to fully understanding the TRUE idea behind it all...
we may never be able to truly grasp it... unless you are able to meet those people... have you ever thought about them?? have you ever thought of what they would say to you? have you ever thought about how you affected their lives and they yours?? what would you ask them?? those people... the five people you meet in heaven?
yes.. I've been thinkin this all day... these thoughts have been playing and certain words are floating around... I'm not able to sleep becoz of this... I have now been goin on and on... for nearly a half hours... its 12:53 am... you may not have understood a word i said... or mayb you have.... yes... i need to go.. i need to lay my head down... i need to close my eyes... and just dream... mayb i'll dream of that heaven of mine.. mayb i'll meet my heaven in 2007?
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