Continued Thoughts

..... yes here i am yet again... and not only have i found time to write here I've also managed to have my mind jumping from thought to thought for the past few days as fast as i can blink my eyes... kinda frustrating if i say so myself... September... wow.. we are more than half way thru 2007 already... i never xpected it to go this fast.

Ramadan is near... just around the corner peeking at us... i hope this year is a good one... i miss the old days when i was very xcited to stay up late and eat all these foods that are only made in Ramadan.. but I've found myself not craving those things anymore.. i only wish i cud have proper sleep and be able to function properly while at work.. (dear lord cud it be I'm getting old?) i miss that xcited feeling i wud get as a child... i still have that happy feeling when i smell certain foods or drinks... but that special tingle that i used to get is no longer there.. funny how we no longer want to be adults... when all we wanted to do as kids was to grow up and be an adult.

I've been quite happy the past few months.. and my biggest proof is i no longer have those dreams that disturb me... i no longer have dreams of me drowning or a huge disaster happening around me. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath or feeling that someone was there in the room. I can usually have a pretty good night of sleep.

So much has been going on in my mind that i dont know what to do.. I'm not sure anyone fully understands my worries or where my anxieties are coming from... I'm not sure if i understand them all either. Why do i feel a need to understand them? why do i need a reason for everything? why cant i just let things be? Im always feeling the urge.. no.. the need to know why things are happening and what it all means... i can understand how annoying it can be to other ppl... so I'm doing my best to cut back on my constant questioning and doing my best to be patient and just let things be.. trust me its not that easy.

I've been wondering if my wants and needs are rational... are they really important? are they things i shud speak up about or am i just being the spoilt brat that ppl claim i am?

with the help of some really good friends, I'm learning more and more about myself and trying to not be so "shrill" or loud... but in all fairness i cant help my emotions when i get xcited or upset. the shrill voice and the loudness comes naturally. so i apologize ahead of time for any breakage of ear drums or any wine glasses.

Im so tired of ppl that lack common sense.. I've been running into them often lately.. and I've lost patience with them. i often want to snap at them and throw a book and pray that some sense gets knocked into that thick skull of theirs.

I've become so tired of drama lately... I'm tired of ppl complaining and moaning and groaning that they are so unhappy and that nothing ever goes right... how selfish can they be? they arent the only ones that dont have everything go the way they want.... i mean come one... look at me!!... I'm complaining all the time.. cant they see that? shud i become more shrill and louder just to get their attention so that they realize its time to stop the whining? blekh... *snaps fingers* whatevea *flips blond hair over shoulder*

I keep telling ppl I'm tired of hiding feelings and not talking to others bluntly and flat out saying things... but everyone tells me its not right and that i cant... why cant i? wudnt it make life that much easier when ppl know how i feel and what I'm thinking? this way they dont have to wonder what is goin on in my backwards over dosed blond head of mine... then again.. mayb they dont want to really know?

why are ppl so afraid of things? why dont ppl take risks? why are ppl so paranoid ??
yes... i am that person.. i do all three of those things.... I find myself recently really afraid of certain things.. afraid to say somthing that wont be returned... afraid coz Im so unsure of things... afraid to jump out there and take that risk that i used to do so easily... why is it so hard this time? why arent i able to just close my eyes... take a leap of faith and jump? is it becoz I'm so worried that someone wont be there to catch me when i reach the bottom?

i think i'll stop talking now... I'm gona on and on about nothing really yet my mind continues to race... and I'm not sure how to word them..