.... choices... commitments... thoughts... ideas... contradicting thoughts... clashing minds... grudges... hatred....
i hate being an adult... too many choices to make.. to many mistakes that can't be taken back.. which makes choices harder to make.
i hate not being heard... i hate feeling like I'm suffocating... i hate how the world lives around money... Love doesnt make the world go round.. money does .... and it sucks... its terrible... its terrible that people fight and strive and get sick to succeed... and what happens to that success when they die?? was their work appreciated? does anyone ever remember all the hard work they put in?
i wana live on a far away island... where i dont have to live by the politics that the world lives by... i want to live far away.. where i dont have to strive and struggle for money... i want to live somewhere ... where people will see me as ME... not for the clothes i wear.. or the way i style my hair... or my profession... or even the size of my waist or thighs...
i feel so suffocated... sometimes i cant breathe.. and I'm totally overwhelmed by everything around me.
can i be a kid again? can i sit and watch saturday morning cartoons? and only have to worry about getting my homework done and passing my next exam?
*sigh*
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Emotional Overdose
as of this moment i am letting you know that i am currently having a Grey's Anatomy emotional overdose... so if things are a bit too dramatic.. too emotional... too deep.. or too pink and squishy... Seriously, then stop reading and dont complain. SERIOUSLY!
at what point in our lives do we cross that line to where we suddenly start loving someone? i mean one day.. your total strangers.. and the next you cant seem to function properly without them. some people fall in love easily.. others take a while. what makes people diff? why do some ppl cross that line much easier or sooner than others?
speaking of that line... have you ever wondered about it? how messy and uncharted that line could be? how scary it is to be walking that line when you .. just like anyone else is broken and damaged at some point in their lives?
why cant we control who we fall in love with? why does it just happen?
what are the factors.. that make u love one person and not the other? even if you are more certain that a specific person is better for you than any other person but you still cant love him or her? or why do we sometimes love people and they cant seem to love us back the way we want them to? or xpress themselves the way we want them to?
yet, we still go back out there.. hurting.. trying to walk and cross that line until we find someone who will love us back.. and who is willing to help each other grow to be great human beings.
What about loving someone and you have a fear of telling them? mayb you dont know how they'll react and for the first time in your life you wont be able to stand the fact that they just may not react the way you would like them to.
i guess in the end.. a relationship... even between friends.. cant really be defined.. all relationships are different. Just like people are different. We have different backgrounds, we react differently to things and we have different outlooks to life. The secret isnt finding someone who is like you.. the secret is finding someone who is compatible to you and is willing to stick through it and work at it as much as you are. Making it work together.
( i may be wrong and in a few years or even a few months i may come back and say that i was wrong )
the only thing we can do is cherish all the friendships and love that we have... and take it one step at a time.. take each baby step together. No matter how much you think you're ready to take the next step.. you can't leave anyone behind so, we wait.. give support and be patient.
at what point in our lives do we cross that line to where we suddenly start loving someone? i mean one day.. your total strangers.. and the next you cant seem to function properly without them. some people fall in love easily.. others take a while. what makes people diff? why do some ppl cross that line much easier or sooner than others?
speaking of that line... have you ever wondered about it? how messy and uncharted that line could be? how scary it is to be walking that line when you .. just like anyone else is broken and damaged at some point in their lives?
why cant we control who we fall in love with? why does it just happen?
what are the factors.. that make u love one person and not the other? even if you are more certain that a specific person is better for you than any other person but you still cant love him or her? or why do we sometimes love people and they cant seem to love us back the way we want them to? or xpress themselves the way we want them to?
yet, we still go back out there.. hurting.. trying to walk and cross that line until we find someone who will love us back.. and who is willing to help each other grow to be great human beings.
What about loving someone and you have a fear of telling them? mayb you dont know how they'll react and for the first time in your life you wont be able to stand the fact that they just may not react the way you would like them to.
i guess in the end.. a relationship... even between friends.. cant really be defined.. all relationships are different. Just like people are different. We have different backgrounds, we react differently to things and we have different outlooks to life. The secret isnt finding someone who is like you.. the secret is finding someone who is compatible to you and is willing to stick through it and work at it as much as you are. Making it work together.
( i may be wrong and in a few years or even a few months i may come back and say that i was wrong )
the only thing we can do is cherish all the friendships and love that we have... and take it one step at a time.. take each baby step together. No matter how much you think you're ready to take the next step.. you can't leave anyone behind so, we wait.. give support and be patient.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
When did we?
when did we all grow up and become adults?? when did life become so complicated with all these shades of grey?? things were so much easier when we were young and saw things in shades of white or black.... good or bad.. sweet or sour.. salt or pepper..... yes i know I'm getting carried away but i think u got the point.
At what point in our lives did we start to see grey?? is there a certain age? an initiation? does somthin have to happen to a child before they start seeing those shades of grey and rarely see white or black?? I cant remember the last time i saw somthing as pure white or darkest black.. everything comes in many shades.. and with all these shades.. how do u weigh out situations?? how do we know whats right or wrong anymore?
Sometimes i dont enjoy being an adult... and i long for the days when all that mattered was morning cartoons, if the weather would be nice enough to play outside and if i was going to be able to run to the store to buy some of my favorite candy. We didnt care about other things.. we didnt pay attention to those small details.. and we didnt further than that same evening.
Adulthood.. it just snuck up on us... and we didnt even see it coming. Infact most adults still dont realize it.
I've been thinking about all the small things in life that make me smile and are a great deal to me... here are just a few of my faved things:
Rhythmic swaying trees...
The smell of Babies...
The cold side of the pillow when u flip it over...
A cat's purr...
Christmas lights...
Suntan oils...
Swimming pool water and chlorine...
Good music while lazing around in the sun...
The sound of a camera's shutter...
Waking up with the sun shining in your face...
A really good nights sleep...
uhm... yea i guess that was a bit more than a few... and it think i can go on with some more to add to the list.. but instead.. I'm just gona stop here... :)
p.s. was going to upload new pics for u to see.. but for some reason it wont let me upload anything.. *shrug*
At what point in our lives did we start to see grey?? is there a certain age? an initiation? does somthin have to happen to a child before they start seeing those shades of grey and rarely see white or black?? I cant remember the last time i saw somthing as pure white or darkest black.. everything comes in many shades.. and with all these shades.. how do u weigh out situations?? how do we know whats right or wrong anymore?
Sometimes i dont enjoy being an adult... and i long for the days when all that mattered was morning cartoons, if the weather would be nice enough to play outside and if i was going to be able to run to the store to buy some of my favorite candy. We didnt care about other things.. we didnt pay attention to those small details.. and we didnt further than that same evening.
Adulthood.. it just snuck up on us... and we didnt even see it coming. Infact most adults still dont realize it.
I've been thinking about all the small things in life that make me smile and are a great deal to me... here are just a few of my faved things:
Rhythmic swaying trees...
The smell of Babies...
The cold side of the pillow when u flip it over...
A cat's purr...
Christmas lights...
Suntan oils...
Swimming pool water and chlorine...
Good music while lazing around in the sun...
The sound of a camera's shutter...
Waking up with the sun shining in your face...
A really good nights sleep...
uhm... yea i guess that was a bit more than a few... and it think i can go on with some more to add to the list.. but instead.. I'm just gona stop here... :)
p.s. was going to upload new pics for u to see.. but for some reason it wont let me upload anything.. *shrug*
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Unholiday
.... i sat here for over an hour typing a long blog... and then sat here for a few minutes with my finger on the backspace button as i watched it all erase....
i only have one real thing on my mind.. "Dear god it hasn't even been a week..... "
i only have one real thing on my mind.. "Dear god it hasn't even been a week..... "
~ I Miss You - Incubus ~
To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can´t explain.
So would I be out of line if i said
I miss you.
I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow, next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days
But already I´m wasting away.
I know I´ll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
And, I miss You.
(i miss you)
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
p.s.
On a side note... I hate Grey's Anatomy.. coz it makes me think about things i shudnt... and it makes me lonely... yet i cant get myself to stop watching... i tell myself its the soundtrack and the damn cool surgeons... who am i kidding? alright.. i dont hate GA... i love it coz its brilliant... in a raw way.. meh.. mayb I've been a bit emotional lately...
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Continued Thoughts
..... yes here i am yet again... and not only have i found time to write here I've also managed to have my mind jumping from thought to thought for the past few days as fast as i can blink my eyes... kinda frustrating if i say so myself... September... wow.. we are more than half way thru 2007 already... i never xpected it to go this fast.
Ramadan is near... just around the corner peeking at us... i hope this year is a good one... i miss the old days when i was very xcited to stay up late and eat all these foods that are only made in Ramadan.. but I've found myself not craving those things anymore.. i only wish i cud have proper sleep and be able to function properly while at work.. (dear lord cud it be I'm getting old?) i miss that xcited feeling i wud get as a child... i still have that happy feeling when i smell certain foods or drinks... but that special tingle that i used to get is no longer there.. funny how we no longer want to be adults... when all we wanted to do as kids was to grow up and be an adult.
I've been quite happy the past few months.. and my biggest proof is i no longer have those dreams that disturb me... i no longer have dreams of me drowning or a huge disaster happening around me. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath or feeling that someone was there in the room. I can usually have a pretty good night of sleep.
So much has been going on in my mind that i dont know what to do.. I'm not sure anyone fully understands my worries or where my anxieties are coming from... I'm not sure if i understand them all either. Why do i feel a need to understand them? why do i need a reason for everything? why cant i just let things be? Im always feeling the urge.. no.. the need to know why things are happening and what it all means... i can understand how annoying it can be to other ppl... so I'm doing my best to cut back on my constant questioning and doing my best to be patient and just let things be.. trust me its not that easy.
I've been wondering if my wants and needs are rational... are they really important? are they things i shud speak up about or am i just being the spoilt brat that ppl claim i am?
with the help of some really good friends, I'm learning more and more about myself and trying to not be so "shrill" or loud... but in all fairness i cant help my emotions when i get xcited or upset. the shrill voice and the loudness comes naturally. so i apologize ahead of time for any breakage of ear drums or any wine glasses.
Im so tired of ppl that lack common sense.. I've been running into them often lately.. and I've lost patience with them. i often want to snap at them and throw a book and pray that some sense gets knocked into that thick skull of theirs.
I've become so tired of drama lately... I'm tired of ppl complaining and moaning and groaning that they are so unhappy and that nothing ever goes right... how selfish can they be? they arent the only ones that dont have everything go the way they want.... i mean come one... look at me!!... I'm complaining all the time.. cant they see that? shud i become more shrill and louder just to get their attention so that they realize its time to stop the whining? blekh... *snaps fingers* whatevea *flips blond hair over shoulder*
I keep telling ppl I'm tired of hiding feelings and not talking to others bluntly and flat out saying things... but everyone tells me its not right and that i cant... why cant i? wudnt it make life that much easier when ppl know how i feel and what I'm thinking? this way they dont have to wonder what is goin on in my backwards over dosed blond head of mine... then again.. mayb they dont want to really know?
why are ppl so afraid of things? why dont ppl take risks? why are ppl so paranoid ??
yes... i am that person.. i do all three of those things.... I find myself recently really afraid of certain things.. afraid to say somthing that wont be returned... afraid coz Im so unsure of things... afraid to jump out there and take that risk that i used to do so easily... why is it so hard this time? why arent i able to just close my eyes... take a leap of faith and jump? is it becoz I'm so worried that someone wont be there to catch me when i reach the bottom?
i think i'll stop talking now... I'm gona on and on about nothing really yet my mind continues to race... and I'm not sure how to word them..
Ramadan is near... just around the corner peeking at us... i hope this year is a good one... i miss the old days when i was very xcited to stay up late and eat all these foods that are only made in Ramadan.. but I've found myself not craving those things anymore.. i only wish i cud have proper sleep and be able to function properly while at work.. (dear lord cud it be I'm getting old?) i miss that xcited feeling i wud get as a child... i still have that happy feeling when i smell certain foods or drinks... but that special tingle that i used to get is no longer there.. funny how we no longer want to be adults... when all we wanted to do as kids was to grow up and be an adult.
I've been quite happy the past few months.. and my biggest proof is i no longer have those dreams that disturb me... i no longer have dreams of me drowning or a huge disaster happening around me. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath or feeling that someone was there in the room. I can usually have a pretty good night of sleep.
So much has been going on in my mind that i dont know what to do.. I'm not sure anyone fully understands my worries or where my anxieties are coming from... I'm not sure if i understand them all either. Why do i feel a need to understand them? why do i need a reason for everything? why cant i just let things be? Im always feeling the urge.. no.. the need to know why things are happening and what it all means... i can understand how annoying it can be to other ppl... so I'm doing my best to cut back on my constant questioning and doing my best to be patient and just let things be.. trust me its not that easy.
I've been wondering if my wants and needs are rational... are they really important? are they things i shud speak up about or am i just being the spoilt brat that ppl claim i am?
with the help of some really good friends, I'm learning more and more about myself and trying to not be so "shrill" or loud... but in all fairness i cant help my emotions when i get xcited or upset. the shrill voice and the loudness comes naturally. so i apologize ahead of time for any breakage of ear drums or any wine glasses.
Im so tired of ppl that lack common sense.. I've been running into them often lately.. and I've lost patience with them. i often want to snap at them and throw a book and pray that some sense gets knocked into that thick skull of theirs.
I've become so tired of drama lately... I'm tired of ppl complaining and moaning and groaning that they are so unhappy and that nothing ever goes right... how selfish can they be? they arent the only ones that dont have everything go the way they want.... i mean come one... look at me!!... I'm complaining all the time.. cant they see that? shud i become more shrill and louder just to get their attention so that they realize its time to stop the whining? blekh... *snaps fingers* whatevea *flips blond hair over shoulder*
I keep telling ppl I'm tired of hiding feelings and not talking to others bluntly and flat out saying things... but everyone tells me its not right and that i cant... why cant i? wudnt it make life that much easier when ppl know how i feel and what I'm thinking? this way they dont have to wonder what is goin on in my backwards over dosed blond head of mine... then again.. mayb they dont want to really know?
why are ppl so afraid of things? why dont ppl take risks? why are ppl so paranoid ??
yes... i am that person.. i do all three of those things.... I find myself recently really afraid of certain things.. afraid to say somthing that wont be returned... afraid coz Im so unsure of things... afraid to jump out there and take that risk that i used to do so easily... why is it so hard this time? why arent i able to just close my eyes... take a leap of faith and jump? is it becoz I'm so worried that someone wont be there to catch me when i reach the bottom?
i think i'll stop talking now... I'm gona on and on about nothing really yet my mind continues to race... and I'm not sure how to word them..
Monday, June 18, 2007
Natural High?
its friggin 3:00 am!
I've been online.. for god knows how long... I've been so caught up and distracted lately that i have not been keepin up with my blog or anything else on the net... I've neglected alot.. but mostly for lack of time.. The days have become so short lately.. there isnt enough time to do all that i want.. and yet while I'm sitting here complaining i dont have enough time.. i wonder and ask myself how the heck did i manage to survive working two very demanding jobs and maintain my sanity.
or have i lost my sanity but dont realize it yet??? mayb... but i find being insane quite nice and pretty amusing. :)
My mind is racing at a million thots per second.. so much to do.. so much i want to do... so much i shud be doing.. yet i am still here.. in my fav night shirt.. sitting in my bed.. with my laptop on my lap... and I'm currently listening to the non stop beat of ac/dc remix.. *sigh* why do i play music non stop till i get sick of it??
I think its becoz it drives me crazy that i cant get enough of something.. so i over do it... so i dont want it anymore... o_O
hmmm... that sounds very unhealthy... sounds pretty crazy too... but i guess thats ok since we've already established that i am infact insane.. and i dont mind either.
*clicks on the play count tab in iTunes and starts listening to the songs that were heard the least number of times since I've restored my hard drive*
hmm.. lool.. cute.. (dancing in the moonlight - van morrison) *sighs happily* this makes me think of someone... :) I wonder what he's dreaming at this moment... and if he realizes i miss him or not..
I've been passionately in love with my new Canon 400D.. i feel so overwhelmed with the urge to take pics of everything that i dont know what to do.. i often hold it back becoz i know I will drive others totally MAD with the cam everywhere... if they only knew how much the sound of the shutter closing.. making that "click" sound... gives me such a rush. I never knew i wud love such a sound. Everything looks so much better thru the viewfinder.. why do i feel the need to capture everything thru that viewfinder?? to see it always the way i saw it thru that lens??
aah... lenses... I still only have my stock lens.. ( which in a way i think is a good thing ) i read in a magazine the other day something that started like this...
"if you are afflicted with lens-buying addiction (LBA)......... " i cudnt help but laugh out loud and instantly think... and acknowledge that i am almost SURE that i will have that one day.. i mean.. how cud u go wrong with having many lenses??? ( yes i know I'm making up xcuses to justify my want to buy lenses )
anywho... i happened to mention that advertisement to the girls one night as we sat in the living room chatting, snacking and watching MTV... the makeup addicts cudnt help but laugh and call me a nerd... and said they cud easily relate to such a "buying" addiction...
ha! me.. a nerd... i never thot of myslf that way... hmm.. i wonder how many ppl think that way of me? lol.. i dont care really.. it wud just be interesting to find out.
I know I'm a tad bit "diff" and i like it that way...
one thing that has bothered me tho.... someone said I'm like a baby... that I'm utterly and irreversibly innocent... and that i am not really a 26 yr old.. that in fact I'm a 15 or 16 yr old..
i dont think of myself as innocent.. i realize all that goes on in this world.. i just choose not to dwell over the less pleasant things... just becoz i openly xpress how i dont understand how and why ppl do certain things makes me innocent minded?? i dont think so..
mayb being innocent isnt so bad...
ah... i wana paint.. i want to go and get my camera and take pics of something... but what? i feel a surge of inspiration building up in me.. and i duno if its my lack of sleep tonight.. that mayb i am becoming very tired... or is it becoz I'v been quite happy the past few weeks.. and it just seems to be getting better.. despite the few obstacles i may run into.. and the few long routes i need to take...
god i think i can jump from one topic to another for quite a long time... and i honestly dont know how to word my thoughts properly... infact I'm not even sure that anything that i have just spent typing made any sense at all... but i guess it doesnt really matter now does it?
for now.. i'll share just a few small snaps that i have taken with my cam.. thru out my days in the past few weeks of my life.. they each mean somthing to me.. even if they same quite bland and ordinary to u.
anyhow.. enjoy!
Souma's bday at caspers...
work work work...
yummy waffles during an early breakfast..
lighting at senses..
someones new addiction...
yet another addiction.. 2nd cup
the view from work...
a party at fun time pizza
I've been online.. for god knows how long... I've been so caught up and distracted lately that i have not been keepin up with my blog or anything else on the net... I've neglected alot.. but mostly for lack of time.. The days have become so short lately.. there isnt enough time to do all that i want.. and yet while I'm sitting here complaining i dont have enough time.. i wonder and ask myself how the heck did i manage to survive working two very demanding jobs and maintain my sanity.
or have i lost my sanity but dont realize it yet??? mayb... but i find being insane quite nice and pretty amusing. :)
My mind is racing at a million thots per second.. so much to do.. so much i want to do... so much i shud be doing.. yet i am still here.. in my fav night shirt.. sitting in my bed.. with my laptop on my lap... and I'm currently listening to the non stop beat of ac/dc remix.. *sigh* why do i play music non stop till i get sick of it??
I think its becoz it drives me crazy that i cant get enough of something.. so i over do it... so i dont want it anymore... o_O
hmmm... that sounds very unhealthy... sounds pretty crazy too... but i guess thats ok since we've already established that i am infact insane.. and i dont mind either.
*clicks on the play count tab in iTunes and starts listening to the songs that were heard the least number of times since I've restored my hard drive*
hmm.. lool.. cute.. (dancing in the moonlight - van morrison) *sighs happily* this makes me think of someone... :) I wonder what he's dreaming at this moment... and if he realizes i miss him or not..
I've been passionately in love with my new Canon 400D.. i feel so overwhelmed with the urge to take pics of everything that i dont know what to do.. i often hold it back becoz i know I will drive others totally MAD with the cam everywhere... if they only knew how much the sound of the shutter closing.. making that "click" sound... gives me such a rush. I never knew i wud love such a sound. Everything looks so much better thru the viewfinder.. why do i feel the need to capture everything thru that viewfinder?? to see it always the way i saw it thru that lens??
aah... lenses... I still only have my stock lens.. ( which in a way i think is a good thing ) i read in a magazine the other day something that started like this...
"if you are afflicted with lens-buying addiction (LBA)......... " i cudnt help but laugh out loud and instantly think... and acknowledge that i am almost SURE that i will have that one day.. i mean.. how cud u go wrong with having many lenses??? ( yes i know I'm making up xcuses to justify my want to buy lenses )
anywho... i happened to mention that advertisement to the girls one night as we sat in the living room chatting, snacking and watching MTV... the makeup addicts cudnt help but laugh and call me a nerd... and said they cud easily relate to such a "buying" addiction...
ha! me.. a nerd... i never thot of myslf that way... hmm.. i wonder how many ppl think that way of me? lol.. i dont care really.. it wud just be interesting to find out.
I know I'm a tad bit "diff" and i like it that way...
one thing that has bothered me tho.... someone said I'm like a baby... that I'm utterly and irreversibly innocent... and that i am not really a 26 yr old.. that in fact I'm a 15 or 16 yr old..
i dont think of myself as innocent.. i realize all that goes on in this world.. i just choose not to dwell over the less pleasant things... just becoz i openly xpress how i dont understand how and why ppl do certain things makes me innocent minded?? i dont think so..
mayb being innocent isnt so bad...
ah... i wana paint.. i want to go and get my camera and take pics of something... but what? i feel a surge of inspiration building up in me.. and i duno if its my lack of sleep tonight.. that mayb i am becoming very tired... or is it becoz I'v been quite happy the past few weeks.. and it just seems to be getting better.. despite the few obstacles i may run into.. and the few long routes i need to take...
god i think i can jump from one topic to another for quite a long time... and i honestly dont know how to word my thoughts properly... infact I'm not even sure that anything that i have just spent typing made any sense at all... but i guess it doesnt really matter now does it?
for now.. i'll share just a few small snaps that i have taken with my cam.. thru out my days in the past few weeks of my life.. they each mean somthing to me.. even if they same quite bland and ordinary to u.
anyhow.. enjoy!
Souma's bday at caspers...
work work work...
yummy waffles during an early breakfast..
lighting at senses..
someones new addiction...
yet another addiction.. 2nd cup
the view from work...
a party at fun time pizza
Friday, April 27, 2007
Our first Xhibit
here they are... some pics of that night... AND a scan of the two pages that were featured in DAZZLE MAGAZINE!! pages 12 and 13!! whoooo hooo!! lol
i had alot more pics than these... but my hard drive crashed and died.. :( sniff sniff... and i lost everything almost...
but we shall be featured in Layalina Magazine.. and when it comes out in May.. i will post it here too!! *mhahahha* XD
the place had two rooms.. but i only have pics of one of the rooms :(
Page number 12.. the group pic.. this was taken the day after the event... we were interviewd... u cant see it here.. but my name is there :D
( i am the girl on the left.. in the back.. sitting on the sofa ) :D
Page 13... the one with the guitar and clarinet.. is MINE :D
The first room.. as u come up the stairs.. ( or what we called the orange room )
and the other room.. ( the green room ) that pic with the hermit crab is another one of my photos :D
i had alot more pics than these... but my hard drive crashed and died.. :( sniff sniff... and i lost everything almost...
but we shall be featured in Layalina Magazine.. and when it comes out in May.. i will post it here too!! *mhahahha* XD
the place had two rooms.. but i only have pics of one of the rooms :(
Page number 12.. the group pic.. this was taken the day after the event... we were interviewd... u cant see it here.. but my name is there :D
( i am the girl on the left.. in the back.. sitting on the sofa ) :D
Page 13... the one with the guitar and clarinet.. is MINE :D
The first room.. as u come up the stairs.. ( or what we called the orange room )
and the other room.. ( the green room ) that pic with the hermit crab is another one of my photos :D
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